40 Chaotic Thoughts as I Turn 40
Indulge me, please.
Okay, folks, the time has come. Tomorrow, I turn 40. I’m feeling a lot of things: Excited. Nervous. Overwhelmed. Disappointed (I never made a 40-under-40 list!). Proud (But I’ve come so far!).
Rather than try to make sense of my grab-bag of emotions, I thought I’d lean into the chaos and share a snapshot of what’s inside my brain as I bid a fond(ish) farewell to my thirties.
1. But, wait: Am I still a “young” caregiver?
I started caregiving at 35. That may not seem young to everyone—“People have multiple kids by then, Patti!”—but the responsibility came out of nowhere for me. I didn’t plan for it. I didn’t have nine months to prepare for it. I wasn’t excited by it. I left my job as digital entertainment director of Cosmopolitan intending to start a dazzling new professional chapter—and maybe a family!—and then, Bam. I was in Florida, collecting my dad.
Was I young? Not exactly. But I was experiencing an “out of sync life event”—and if I’m being honest, I took some comfort in that thought over the years. It helped me make sense of my anxiety. It helped me explain my failures.
But now I’m 40 (as of tomorrow; don’t rush me). And while I’m still younger than the average caretaker in America (49), I don’t read as “too young” to be in this position anymore (I have five gray hairs, for f*ck’s sake). That feels … disorienting.
The world has bigger problems, I know. But it’s my party and I can cry if I want to!
2. “Nothing lasts forever.” -Guns N’ Roses
My dad and I were listening to “November Rain” in the car over the weekend and he plucked this lyric out for observation.
“Nothing lasts forever,” he mused. “It’s so true.” He said the line made him think of his father and his friends and his divorces (lol), and then he said this:
“When I’m gone, just know that I had a really great life.”
I’ve had the song stuck in my head ever since.
3. Should I get Invisalign?
I’ll admit, a lot of my thoughts at the moment are about my looks (I’m only human). This one in particular is really about my jowls, which I’m convinced are the result of my overbite. So: Invisalign?
4. Does Vitamin C go on before or after moisturizer?
I can never remember.
5. You made it to 40, kid.
Pour one out for the ones who didn’t.
6. “I was really gonna be somebody by the time I was 23.”
A great line from a great movie. And something I mutter to myself when I’m writing marketing copy for rent money! (Just wait till you’re 40, Lelaina.)
7. I have to do my taxes…
That is all.
8. How many good eggs do I have left?
Rhetorical question.
9. What would my life look like if my dad never got sick?
Would I be a successful writer? Would I be a mom? Would I still be in New York City? It’s funny how when I go down this road, I always picture best-case scenarios, as if a worse fate couldn’t have befallen me, too. Maybe I’d have taken a trip to Yellowstone and fallen into a hot spring while taking a selfie. We’ll never know.
10. Does People.com have someone on the GoFundMe beat?
I check the site when I’m procrastinating (maybe that’s why I never made a 40-under-40 list), and there’s always at least one awful story about a man killing his family or a father accidentally driving into a body of water. The article usually ends with a GoFundMe plug. It’s haunting.
11a. If I don’t have a kid myself (see #8), can I please name yours?
My baby-name list is longer than a CVS receipt.
11b. Which reminds me, this is funny:
12. I LIKED JEREMY ALLEN WHITE BEFORE YOU DID.
As a Shameless fan, I’ve been talking about JAW for years. On a trip to Philly—in, I wanna say, 2016? 2017?—a cab driver asked me who I thought would be the next big thing (we were talking about my job at Cosmo) and I said Jeremy Allen White. I was five years early and the correct answer was Timothée Chalamet—but still!
I had the same chip on my shoulder in the nineties, when I’d go around saying I discovered Leonardo DiCaprio in The Basketball Diaries.
13. Do I have a terrible personality?
See #12.
14. Speaking of Leo, this TikTok is my vibe for the next few days.
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Maybe I should feel embarrassed for this 48-year-old man, but I don’t. There is nothing more nineties than Leo with a cigarette and I love everything I see here.
15. I’m excited to turn 40!
My second cup of coffee has kicked in.
16. I love New York!
I’m heading to the city with Lane later this afternoon. We booked a hotel for two nights and will be eating inside restaurants for the first time in three years (my 2020 birthday was the last time we ate indoors).
17. You have to watch Fleishman Is In Trouble.
There’s a scene (or is it a sequence?) where Lizzy Caplan’s character, who’s experiencing a bit of a midlife crisis, walks around New York seeing younger versions of herself. Very me.
18. I’m officially “I can relate to Patty from My So-Called Life” years old.
Paying close attention to my thoughts always leads me to a MSCL reference. Today, I’m reminded of a scene from episode 5 (“The Zit”) where Angela looks at a younger picture of her mother, Patty, and asks her if she enjoyed being pretty.
“I don’t think I really let myself know that I was,” Patty says. “…I look at a picture like that and I see, my god, I was pretty.”
I’m not calling myself pretty (modesty, ladies!), but I am saying it’s important to appreciate what we have while we have it.
19. “You can’t take a picture of this, it’s already gone.”
Another great line from another great show, Six Feet Under. Life is fleeting, people!
20. I want to be young forever!
Not really, but I also can’t relate to people who say they would never want to be 25 again. Like, yeah, I have some caveats, but for the most part, sign me up.
21a. If I start showing signs of dementia at the same age as my dad, I have about 20 good years left.
Just some math kicking around my head.
21b. If I start showing signs of dementia at the same age as my dad AND HAVE A KID TOMORROW (impossible, but for argument’s sake), that kid will be 20 when their mom gets dementia.
Is this “ruminating” or “perseverating”?
22. I need to create some traditions.
How do I become someone who, I don’t know, plunges into the ocean every Christmas morning?
23. I’ve fallen behind on my retirement.
Spending 18+ hours a week on caretaking will set you back. (And, yes, I’ve heard of parenthood.)
24. Are oversized blazers still in style?
I want to drown in fabric.
25. [Eating a pear] So is the sugar in fruit bad for you, or?
*continues to eat pear*
26. I’d like to age EXUBERANTLY.
There’s a new book I want to read called The Swedish Art of Aging Exuberantly: Life Wisdom from Someone Who Will (Probably) Die Before You. It’s by 86-year-old author/artist Margareta Magnusson, who recently told the New York Times:
“You cannot stop the passing of time and how it affects your body, but you can work to keep a clear and positive mind. You can be young upstairs in your head even if your joints creak.”
27. I’m excited to try this vegan restaurant tomorrow night.
*checks menu for the millionth time*
28. Will “modern” homes age well?
I used to say I wanted to live in a place with no original molding—none. Hard edges only. A home people walk into and think, “Who lives here, Patrick Bateman?” Now I’m not so sure.
29. Have I finally quit Grey’s Anatomy?
I remember watching the episode where Denny dies just before I left for a trip to Italy. That was like 15 years ago (I didn’t watch it in real-time) and I’ve been finding reasons to bring up that scene ever since. Exhibit A:
Now I’m four seasons behind on the show and I’m not sure I have it in me to catch up. Am I leaving Seattle Grace (or whatever the hell the hospital is called now) behind for good?
30. Should I take up boxing?
This is something I’ve been asking myself ever since I went boxing with Jennifer Love Hewitt (name drop) in 2018. Fun fact: My profile of her went live the day I took my dad to see his divorce lawyer. I was scrambling to finish edits from his guest bedroom the night before.
31a. Smartphones have ruined our lives.
A very original thought.
31b. Where’s my phone?
Found it!
32. Is Inbox Zero the answer?
I’m usually an “Inbox Fifty” kinda girl, but maybe a few subfolders will solve all my problems.
33. Where am I supposed to look when I’m on a video call?
Three years into zooming, and I still don’t know how to make eye contact through a screen.
34. Have I numbered these right?
Nope. Fixed!
35. What’s Emma Stone been up to?
Oh, good, IMDB tells me she’s been busy. This show The Curse sounds interesting.
36. Jeez, I’m running out of thoughts.
Must be getting old.
37. Does my dog know we’re leaving him at my cousin’s for two nights?
He’s being extra clingy. (This is our first time leaving him overnight. We’ve had him for four years.)
38. I’m excited to try FaceGym tomorrow.
See #3 re: jowls.
39. Should I go back to school?
I like the idea of being a social worker or a psychologist (maybe?), but I don’t like the idea of spending money I don’t have on another degree.
40. Why does this sweatshirt only come in white, Taylor?
This is like the Ticketmaster debacle all over again.
41. For good luck.
<3
Thanks for indulging my very narcissistic, occasionally ageist meltdown. I’ll be back in your inboxes on 2/15 (no newsletter next week).
Have a great start to February!
Patti
Happy Birthday P!! Loved you in middle school, love you now, and all the years in between! Love this list too..am crying! Oversized blazers and MSCL forever <3
Happy birthday Patti!! Five gray hairs is like having zero gray hairs. I'll show you all of mine next time I see you.
And yes, oversized blazers are in. You and Lane can get a really big one in a cool mustard-brown color and share it, in all honesty.